Behind these hazel eyes
by Rhin Ariel
Summary: She wasn't going to break. Not today. Not in front of him


Inspired by, surprise surprise, the new Kelly Clarkson song, 'Behind these hazel eyes'. If you've seen the video/heard the song, you may have an inkling of where this is going. Alternatively, you may have read it on my LJ and definately know where this is going. Either way, here it is again. Please read and review.

Title: Behind these hazel eyes  
Author: Rhin Ariel  
Rating: T  
Pairings: There's some Shep/Weir and another, but I really don't want to say. It would ruin the story.  
Warnings: There is some not kid-frienly stuff towards the end, but again, if I say, it'll ruin the ending.

Behind these hazel eyes

Elizabeth looked at herself in the mirror again. The dress was certainly beautiful, a floor length, strapless silk dress. She wasn't sure where she'd found it, but it was perfect for the wedding. Her make up had been applied already and her hair had been straightened. A silver tiara had been placed carefully on top of her with a few loose curls hung over the sides. In her hands was a small posy of small flowers.

"Perfect," she heard a voice behind her.

She turned to find Kate smiling at her.

"Really?"

"Elizabeth, everything's perfect today."

"Yes, I think it is. I just need some air."

"Of course, it's all getting so exciting, isn't it?"

"Sure."

Elizabeth laid the flowers down on the dressing table and hurried to the door.

Once she was outside, she lifted her dress a little and began to run. She was glad she wearing flat shoes. However, she barely got round the corner when she ran straight into someone.

"Hey! Oh, it's you Elizabeth."

Elizabeth froze. He was the last person she wanted to see. She smiled softly.

"Sneaking around?"

"I resent that!"

She raised her eyebrows at him.

"Okay. Yes, I was just sneaking around."

"Don't you remember that it's bad luck to see the bride on the wedding day?"

"It slipped my mind."

He put on that cheeky flyboy grin she was so used to. It melted her heart every time.

John reached out slowly and touched the necklace she was wearing.

"You know, after today…"

"I know. I forgot I was wearing it. Seems sort of pointless now."

John looked away awkwardly.

"I should probably go. I'll see you later."

He looked up at her. She was smiling at him.

"No more sneaking around."

"Yes boss."

He leaned across and kissed her lightly on the cheek.

"Thanks Liz."

"It's fine John, really."

She watched him scarper away. It seemed strange to see him in his full air force uniform, but he definitely looked handsome. She let her fingers trace the outline of her necklace. Her skin seemed to tingle from where he'd brushed her skin so lightly. She pulled her hand away and pushed the thoughts away.

Making sure the corridors were clear, she began to run again. She finally reached her destination. The balcony. The one he'd first kissed her on. The one they'd stood on when he gave her the necklace. The one where'd he promised he'd always love her. Their balcony.

Taking a deep breath, she unclipped the necklace. She gazed at it for a while. It was a small silver heart inlaid with two small rubies. He knew her favourite colour was red, and that she preferred to wear silver jewellery. She loved how he was attentive like that.

Stepping up to the edge she stroked the heart one more time.

"I don't need this anymore."

Stretching out her hand, she tipped it slightly and watched the necklace fall. It barely made a splash in the dark waters below. She felt a slight tug at her own heart, but she knew what she was doing. She looked up at the clear skies and wondered if it was a sign. She shook her head though, Elizabeth Weir didn't believe in signs, she wasn't superstitious.

Not anymore.

The ballroom was packed out with every member in the Atlantis expedition. Scientists, soldiers and technician were all wearing their best clothes. Everyone was smiling. Elizabeth felt sick.

Rodney reached out and squeezed her hand.

"Are you okay?"

"Of course."

"You just look very pale."

"It's just very warm. I'm just feeling a little dizzy."

"If you need to lie down, I'm sure they'd forgive you."

"No, I made a promise. Let's get on with this."

Rodney linked his arm through Elizabeth's and they set off down the aisle that had been created.

Elizabeth wanted to turn and run. She didn't want to be here, with every set of eyes watching her. They were all waiting. She wasn't sure what for though. For the wedding or to see who broke first? She'd been so happy on the outside, like this wedding was a wonderful occasion. Inside, she wanted to cry and scream and shout. Everything was falling apart, but she couldn't do anything. What was inside stayed inside.

When they reached the end, Elizabeth and Rodney bowed their heads to the priest. He was from the Athosian's, as they had no one from Earth who could perform the ceremony. Rodney kissed Elizabeth lightly on the cheek and stepped across next to John. Elizabeth stepped across to the other side and watched as everyone turned to the back of the room again.

She could hear them all whispering. Probably about how beautiful she looked. She did look beautiful; Elizabeth had seen her in her dress. She'd agreed to some of the Earth traditions of marriage, like bridesmaids and best men and a white dress. Everything else was Athosian. There was only one bridesmaid and best man though. John had Rodney as his best man; it was the most obvious choice. But the bridesmaid…

No one really understood the choice. Why choose the grooms ex-lover?

Elizabeth took another deep breath as she came into view.

Teyla Emmagan, leader of the Athosian people.

And John Sheppard's bride.

She looked down at herself.

Elizabeth Weir, leader of the people of Atlantis.

And John Sheppard's ex-lover.

She shouldn't have been there. She should have been doing the typical thing expected and staying as far away as possible. Part of her wished she was far away. However much she denied it, she still loved him. She would always love him. He was the first person in a long time that made her feel like she special. Like she was the only other person in the world. It reminded her of something she read once.

To the world you are just one person. To one person you could mean the world.

But she wasn't anymore. He'd drifted, but she hadn't seen it. He'd stopped kissing her so much. Then he stopped touching her. Then he just said it.

_I've met someone else. Sorry._

That was it. A two-year relationship over in five words.

She'd known. She'd seen it coming but she wouldn't accept it. He loved her, didn't he?

He'd made her a promise.

_Whatever happens Liz, I will love you forever. You are the one for me, and no one can take your place. I swear on my life that I will protect you for as long as I live. No one can take me from you or you from me._

Had he known when he'd said it? Had he known he didn't love her? Elizabeth guessed she would never know.

He was courteous though. She was the first to know when he and Teyla got engaged. She'd said she was happy for them.

That night she'd gone to the gym and beaten one of the gym bags until her hands bled. Then she just kept punching. He'd lied to her. He'd said he love her forever. He'd lied and now he was just adding insult to injury. She only stopped when she saw the blood on the floor. Her blood. She couldn't let him see it. She couldn't let any of them see what she felt. This was her life, and he wasn't going to ruin it.

When Teyla had asked her to be her bridesmaid, Elizabeth had considered saying no. But then they'd know, they'd all know. She agreed happily, even helped Teyla find a dress and prepare the wedding.

It seemed to be strange to be helping with a wedding for the man she loved to another woman. It seemed to take her mind off things. For a while, she could pretend it was just a wedding. It was no big deal. But to see the pair of them together, unable to keep their hands off each other, it made her sick. There'd been some days she'd physically thrown up at the thought. He was beating her down slowly, even if he didn't realise he was doing it.

She still wore the necklace under her top, hidden from the world. She hadn't forgotten it. It was the only thing she had to tie herself to him. All the photos, she destroyed them the day he'd left her. She was angry and rage had taken her over. By the end of it, she felt like some child sat among the ruins of her work. Every picture was ripped to pieces and strewn around the room. For a moment, she'd felt like she was sitting in the snow. Then she'd noticed one she'd missed.

They were dancing at some party. They had their arms around each other's necks and were looking up at each other. They were in love and anyone could see it. You could just see part of the necklace round her neck.

It was then she realised she still loved him. She wasn't angry with him. She was just confused. He'd remember, she knew he'd remember his promise eventually.

One year later, and she was watching as he walked around the reception with the new Mrs Sheppard.

He wasn't going to remember.

"Elizabeth?"

She looked around at Carson. She knew he was worried about her. She knew why too.

She'd lost weight, not a lot, but enough to be noticeable. She wasn't sleeping; he'd had to give her sleeping pills. She was falling apart and Carson knew it.

But he never said it.

"Carson, hey. It was a beautiful ceremony wasn't it?"

"Yes. Look, are you sure your okay with this lass?"

"Me, of course. Shouldn't I be?"

She turned away as a voice came over the sound system.

"Ladies and gentlemen, may I please present the bride and groom in their first dance."

Everyone clapped, a few wolf whistled. A space was cleared and the pair took their places on the dance floor.

As the music stared, Elizabeth stopped. She felt the glass in her hand slip. She heard it shatter and knew everyone was looking at her.

John looked across and met her eyes.

Tears welled up and she shook her head.

"No," she whispered softly.

And then she fled. He wasn't going to do this to her. He couldn't. He was nothing more than a cruel and heartless bastard.

She burst out onto the balcony and let the tears she held back for a year fall. She screamed out to the moon as it looked down on her.

"Happy! Are you happy now? He's left me! He's broken his promise! And now…and now…"

She sank down onto her knees and lent against the railing.

She loved the song. It was one of her favourites. She'd been playing it to help her relax when he'd come in.

_Hey Liz._

_Hey. What's up?_

_I just wanted to talk to you._

_What's wrong?_

_Caldwell's pissed at me, says he wants me out of command._

Elizabeth had stood up and gone across to him. He was upset, and angry.

_Look, I'll talk to him. It'll be okay John._

He'd looked at her in a way she'd never seen. It was like he was looking into her.

_Why do you do this?_

_What?_

_Stick up for me. Help me. Never blame me._

_I care about you John._

_I care about you too Liz._

_I know._

No, I really care about you.

She's stopped and just looked at him. Was it possible? Was it really possible he felt the same?

_I really care about you too._

He'd smiled and pulled her into his arms. He'd spun her around and around while she cried out in delight. 

Suddenly the future looks a whole lot better.

_You said it John._

That was it; with that one song in the background, she'd admitted it. She loved him and he loved her. The song was their song. Their song. Their balcony. 

But they weren't anymore.

The song, he'd played it for the first dance. Now it was _their_ song. Now she knew everything was over.

"Liz?"

The door was open and she knew there was light shining on her. She knew he was there too, but she wasn't going to let him see her cry.

"Liz?"

"What John?"

Her voice was cold and harsh.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you."

Elizabeth felt like she being stabbed in the chest.

"Didn't mean to upset me? You didn't mean to upset me?"

She stood up and spun around to face him. Her make up had run, but her face was twisted making it look even more grotesque.

"If you didn't mean to upset me, you wouldn't have left me for her!"

"Liz…"

"Don't call me that! I am Doctor Weir to you now."

"Why do things have to change?"

"I can't believe you're asking me that! You left me for another woman. You broke my heart. You broke the promise you made me. The one you made on this balcony. And then, you played our song. Does that help?"

John stepped back. He couldn't take it in. It hadn't occurred to him. He'd been so busy thinking of Teyla and the wedding, he'd forgotten about Elizabeth and everything that had happened.

"I'm sorry, I…I just forgot."

He reached out, but she batted his hand away.

"Liz."

"Go back to your wife John."

She turned her back to him. John wanted to say something or do something, but he knew it was pointless. He'd blown everything. He reached out and laid a hand on her back.

"If it's any consolation, you can keep the necklace."

Elizabeth choked on her breath. She turned to face him again.

"It's gone John. I threw it away like you threw me away. It's down at the bottom of the sea. You're an idiot John Sheppard."

John had had enough of being the bad guy.

"I never threw you away. This is pathetic Elizabeth. You're being pathetic. Accept it, it's over."  
Elizabeth lashed out and slapped him across the face. John glared at her. Suddenly he grabbed her and pushed her up against the balcony railings.

"Don't Elizabeth. I can't deal with this right now. Teyla's very upset and my wedding reception had being ruined. Give me one good reason why I shouldn't hurt you right now."

"You should."

"What?"

She held her head up high.

"Do it, hurt me. Prove that you're just some animal. John, wake up, she's turning you into something you're not. Please snap out of it."

Elizabeth was pleading with him. She knew that the real John was in there. Teyla had done something to him, that's why he'd left her. It had all started after Ford had died; she'd been there to comfort him first. She'd turned him against her. That was it. She had manipulated him against her.

"She's manipulating you against me. That's all. She used your grief after Ford's death…"

John finally snapped and threw Elizabeth to the floor.

"Don't you dare. You stupid bitch, can't you see. You're the one that's turned into something else. When Ford died, you just tried to get on with it. Didn't you ever wonder how I felt? Teyla was the only one who listened. She didn't make me into some animal, you did. You made me angry, you made me do this. It's your fault, Doctor Weir. It's all your fault."

With that, John stormed away.

Elizabeth lay on the floor trying to breathe. She couldn't though. She tried to calm down. But she knew he was right. It wasn't Teyla. It was her. She'd destroyed her own relationship with John. She was nothing more than some cold, heartless, jealous ex lover. She was nothing and she had nothing.

Everyone thought she was crazy, Carson would remove her from command, and Caldwell would take over. She could see it all now.

She closed her eyes. He'd won. It was over. He'd finally broken her.

Standing, she left the balcony and walked to her room. She took off the dress and put on her uniform. She picked up her bottle of sleeping pills and poured them onto her desk. She filled a glass with water and put it down next to them. Then, she went into her draw and pulled out a little box. She unlocked it and slowly lifted the lid. Inside were all the things she wanted to keep forever. She took out the picture and studied it for a while. Then she tore it half.

She picked up the half with John on and held it tightly in her hand.

Then she picked up the half with her on. The necklace was gone; she'd thrown it away. John had thrown her away too. She'd thrown her life away on the hope he'd come back to her.

With a final sigh, she threw the picture into the bin next her. Then she picked up the box, and tipped its contents into the bin as well. She wasn't going to need them anymore. Picking up a pen, she pulled out a piece of paper and began to write.

_When an angel fell from grace, no one was there to catch her. When I fell from grace, you were there to catch me._

_But now you're gone, and I'm falling again. When dawn comes, I will rest with the fallen angel. Seek me where you wish, you shall not find me. I am gone._

_You cannot catch me this time._


End file.
